A
man is playing blackjack in a casino; he's been dealt 16. All the money he has in the world is riding on this game. Too scared to decide what to do, he pulls out a magic lamp and rubs it, when a genie appears.
What should I do magic genie" Ask for a card," the genie whispers. “Hit me” says
the man and draws a three. “Alright, 19” he says He's going to stick, when the genie says "Ask for another card." “I hope you know what you’re doing” says the man, then draws an ace. He's sure he'll stick now, but, the genie insists: "Ask for another
card!"
The man draws a card and gets another ace . he's got 21! Then genie exclaims "Wow!, you’re a lucky bastard!"
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A group from Chicago
spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One of the men on that trip won $100,000.
He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he decided not to return with the others,
but took a later plane home - arriving back 3 a.m. He immediately went out to the
backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it. The following morning
he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from
the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street
lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man.
Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him
to the deaf man's house. "You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my $100,000
I'm going to kill him!" he screamed at the professor. The professor conveyed the
message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language, "I hid it in my
backyard, underneath the cherry tree."
The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, "He's not going to tell you.
He said he'd rather die first."
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A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG ! He looks
around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the
voice again: I SAID, DIG !
So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds
a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice says: OPEN ! Ok, the man thinks,
let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the
chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins. The deep voice says: TO THE
CASINO ! Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and
walks to the casino. The deep voice says: ROULETTE ! So he changes all the gold
into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players
gaze at him with disbelief. The deep voice says: 27 ! He takes the whole pile and
drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier
throws the ball. The ball stays at the 26. The deep voice says: SHIT !
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One day a guy dies and finds himself
in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: "Why so glum?" Guy: "Why do you think? I'm in hell!" Satan: "Hell's not so
bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" Guy: "Sure, I
love to drink."
Satan: "Well you're going to love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca. And we don't worry
about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway." Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"
Satan: "You a smoker?" Guy: "You better believe it!" Satan: "All right! You're going
to love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our
lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"
Guy: "Wow, that's awesome!" Satan: "I bet you like to gamble." Guy: "Why yes, as
a matter of fact I do." Satan: "'Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,
Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt... you're dead anyhow."
Guy: "WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!" Satan: "You gay?" Guy:
"Hell, no!" Satan: "Hm, you gonna hate Fridays then."
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During the Great Depression, there was this man who walked into a bar one day. He
walked up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round
of drinks". The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression,
so I'll need to see some money first". The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and
sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where
did you get all that money?" asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler",
replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are
50-50 at best, right?" "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?"
asked the bartender?
"Well, for example, I'll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye." The bartender
thought about it. "OK". So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it.
"Aw, you screwed me", said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give you
another chance. I'll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye," said the
stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind,
I mean I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet". So, the guy pulls out his
false teeth and bites his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again". "That's how I win
so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of
the $50", said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night
playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing,
he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, "Bartender, I'll give
you one last chance. I'll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one
foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling
a drop".
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight
on two feet, much less one. "OK, you're on". The guy climbed up on the bar, stood
on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender,
himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me $500!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's OK. I just bet each of the guys
in the card room $1000 each that I could piss all over you AND the bar and still
make you laugh!"
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A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from
L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play
a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines
and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains
how the game works:
"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa."
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer
figures he will easily win the match since his opponent is a blonde, so he makes
another offer:
"Okay, how about this. If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I
don't know the answer, I will pay you $50."
This catches the blonde's attention and,
figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees
to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word,
reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three
legs and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.
He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the
airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated,
he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers - all to no avail. After over
an hour of searching for the answer, he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and
hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well,
so what IS the answer?"
Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and
goes back to sleep.
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